Nightmare. Your engine won't start! Dry your eyes and pick up your tools, we'll get her going again.

Troubleshoot

The troubleshooting table is a clickable diagram to help you solve your engine woes. A picture of the entire table is available.

START
↓
test bulb on coil		bridge wire to coil		green wire
↓		↑		↑
Does it glow?	→	Immobiliser?	→	OBC?
↓
Does the engine crank?	→	→	→	Does it try to start?	→	Pull out Fuse 11
↓				↓		↓
Does the battery have 12V?	→	charge battery		↓		Does it try to start?	→
↓ ↓		↓	←	Does the ICV buzz with ignition on?		↓ ↓	↓ ↓
↓		↓		↓		Test Blue Temp Sensor	↓
Diagnostic Plug Start		Bridge the DME Relay	→	Does the fuel pump run when cranking?

Solutions

There's a green wire, the sneaky fuck