E30 Zone

Hi.
I'm very interested in the car you have for sale.

I'm also considering numerous other E30's, other BMW's and several other makes of car (Vauxhall, Rover, Mclaren, Zonda, Maybach, Daewoo and Suzuki) and intend buying sometime within the next 18 months.

I only live three miles from you, but -

Could you please send me pictures of:

the rear arches (lit by tungsten)
the front arches (lit by xenon flash)
the left scuttle panel (lit by flash of lightning)
the right scuttle panel (lit by blue LED)
the centre scuttle panel (from an angle of 35 degrees to the perpendicular)
the headlining ( with some gazelle spit on the sunroof panel)
the speedometer (whilst registering 34 MPH)
the engine bay (at an ambient temperature of 19 C)
the roof (with three different types of wax applied)
the exhaust system (with engine running and off)
your mothers left kneecap (with a UV filter on the lens)
a duck billed platipus (in monochrome)
a partially decomposed apple (more than 30 days, but less than 36 days)
an electron (in both split and whole state)
God (both with and without Jesus)

and would you also send me -
the reg number (that is in the pics anyway),
the key number,
the vin number,
the gearbox number,
the engine number,
the paint code
the interior trim code
the V5 serial number,
the MOT test number,
The Popes tel no.,
The Queens tel no.,
The Priministers shoe size (converted to American).
any number between 1 and 127, but not one I don't like! Otherwise I won't buy your car!!!
the front ashtray part number.

I would also like to know all about the previous owners, Eg. -

How old were they?
do/did they eat meat, wear leather?
are they kind to animals and children?
what were their blood groups?
why did they sell the car if it's so good?
did they let the engine warm up before giving it beans?
were they women or gayists or Welsh?
how tall were they?
eye colour?
what car did they own before and after the E30?

Tell me about the paintwork. Naturally I expect the paintwork to be exactly the same as that I would see if I went back to 1989 and walked in to a BMW showroom, after all you are asking the Earth shattering sum of £3,795 for your 325i Sport. Don't tell me it's any different to what I expect otherwise I won't buy your car!!!

Don't tell me it's 'mint or 'perfect' because if I actually turn up to look at it and there is one single spec of fly poo on the paint, or an atom of tree sap I will launch in to full whinge mode and then I won't buy your car!!!

I wish to see every receipt associated with the cars service history. I will bring with me an Ultra-Violet light source and if the designated water mark is absent from any receipt I will naturally assume you are lower than a weasel and hit women and pull the legs off dragon flys. This will send me in to a strop of huge magnitude and then I won't buy your car!!!

I want to know why you're selling the car and require tangible evidence to support whatever reason you give me, because, let's face it, if it wasn't defective you would keep it. You are obviously trying to palm me off with some rust - ridden heap with a blown engine, worn gearbox and knackered brakes. In fact you're a cheating bastard and I hate you and I'm going to kill you and your wife and you children and your cats!!!!

Cheers mate.

PS. Would it be possible for you to stay in all weekend in case I feel inclined to saunter over to have a look? I won't of course, but I will feel empowered just by the thought of you waiting.

you having a bad time of it fella

Its funny because its true!

Zone gold!

not forgetting the old "What an amazing car! i cant believe it hasnt sold yet! if i had the cash id be up there like a shot to take it"
but you dont have the cash so fook off and stop wasting my time.

seems like you have all the angles covered lol

Selling cars is a ballache. But occasionally you get a diamond. I remember once I advertised my 840Ci in various places. Some guy rang up, asked a million questions, and turned up an hour late.

He turned up in the roughest E36 I have ever seen - I mean, it was scrap. Yeah, like you've got the dollar to buy my car Mate. Went for a drive, came back, spent 20 minutes examining every sodding bill before saying. "I really wanted a red one". I told him in a rather terse tone that mine was blue, it was blue when he rang up and it's blue now.
"Give me a ring when you're desperate to sell" said the shortarse in the scrap E36 at which point he was instructed firmly to leave, at once.

I have had no end of idiots on my 318i Auto. I could have 'definitely sold it' four times by now. I've had one witheld number - when I answer them and it's someone about this car, they get told to ring back without witholding their number. They almost never do. Anyone who says 'I'm ringing about the car' gets the short shrift, i.e "fuck off smartarse"

I never overprice cars, never overdescribe them - yet still I get idiots and timewasters. It's the reason I will never sell cars as a business. I have too short a fuse.

Pure class

I sold it to my brother last week and he's delighted with it. It also means I will have the opportunity to buy it back in the future. A few beers on Friday night and I thought I would vent my spleen a bit on The Zone as a tribute to some of the total timewasters my advert attracted.

Despite the above I have no problem whatsoever in people asking lots of questions or requesting photos, particularly if they live far away and over the hills. It's the ones who are within, say, 35 minutes drive away who insist I use 60 minutes of my time in taking/uploading pics and gathering information who don't even have the courtesy to respond to a detailed picture laden reply.

I'm sure some characters spend half their day staring at car ads with a tepid Pot Noodle in one hand and their cock in the other.

andyboy there are allot of twats about like what you have described.. i have never sold a car... well once i gave my friend a hand selling his e36 328i coupe... the mug turned up with a parkers guide... he inspected the car and then pulled out the guide and said it was only worth x amount... i told him the price is as stated... you either buy it or you dont, the car was in vg condition... needless to say he bought it for the asking price.
i doubt i will ever sell my e30 though... but if i do and i dont get what i think its worth(the price of a ms cam)... it wont be going anywhere

Niiick wrote: I'm sure some characters spend half their day staring at car ads with a tepid Pot Noodle in one hand and their c**k in the other.

Pure class

OT I know but, Tim have you fitted that LSD yet?

I did it for a living! when i have composed myself from the anger of it all il remember some of the classics i had to deal with on a daily basis...

Niick, what did you put your car up on here, must have missed it, what was it??

By the way love the thread, pure class

It was an '89(G) 325i Sport Auto with a/c, cruise heated seats etc.. etc... Dolphin grey. £3,250 spent on it since March to bring it up to scratch. For sale at £3795. A bargain, but not during a credit crunch seemingly.

When I get my hands on it again next year, I will ask Spadge for a quote on a conversion to manual, although it goes against my originality obsession!

Exactly why I was happy to take £1300 for my cab, a day after starting the auction. The guy put the money in my account. Three days later came over from the south of France to collect it. Decent buyer.

Within an hour of listing it, I had about half a dozen muppets asking if I'd take a £1k (the reserve price) to end the auction early. In spite of me clearly saying the reserve, a grand, is the minimum I'm happy to accept for it, should the auction run its course.

If I had let the acution run, no doubt the figure on ebay would have been much higher, but would have come with all sorts of muppets trying their luck.

So I sold it to an enthusiast who had previously had 6 or so cabs, 20 plus e30's. He was a commercial mechanic, so knew exactly what he was getting. Sound guy.

How about Ebayers who blatantly haven't bothered to read the description. I sold my dad's car. Title says "one owner from new". Guess most frequent question...

I have a Tech2 steering wheel on ebay now, the current winning bidder wants to know the circumfrance of the grip ??

If it was that important why not ask before you bid?

Tell him it's 2x3.14159xr

quote him some obscene answer to the power of Pi squared X where X is variable relating to the cabin temperature at any given time

i do agree what you guys are saying but i do ask a lot of questions about a car before i view it i think the service history is really important and i always like to see previous mots etc but even when you ask loads of questions the car can still turn out to be a waste of time i went to have a look at an e36 m3 gt2 the other week the guy told me full bmw history still under bmw warranty every receipt mot the car is mint mate....... what a waste of time the car needed over 3 grand to get it up to scratch new tyres boot was rotten vanos was knackered gearbox leaking seat ripped need i go on and i did over 400 miles in total

i agree with asking as many questions as you can when buying but i say keep them sensible and not stupid stuff like march mentioned above.

What I hate most, is the foot on the tyre, kicking it for some reason will make the car do what?

You can usually tell if someone really wants the car or not by their body language and the wadge of cash in their hands :winkeye:

Cabgirl wrote:What I hate most, is the foot on the tyre, kicking it for some reason will make the car do what?

You can usually tell if someone really wants the car or not by their body language and the wadge of cash in their hands :winkeye:

Yeah I had that too, I can understand grabbing the wheel and giving it a firm tug to see if there is any give in it, but a ramdom pansy kick in the tyre? testing my tyre pressures or what??

I am selling a car at the moment, (not an e30 so wont say what) and I had a no-show for a viewing thursday (even thogh he's only 30 mins away) and a guy allegedly comeing from 30 miles away tomorrow.


Not been too bad, the whats your lowest price annoys me.

car at £1000, whats lowest price, I says well teh wheels cost £700 so not taking less than that. he says, how about £400??? etc etc

never had a problem with selling a car, just parts.. or when I go to look at cars.. yeah it's mint nothing wrong with it..turn up and it is hanging, I remember i went to look an a black M3 when I was buying mine, trekked down to bristol way to see it so a good 4 hours got there, got out seen the amount of rot in silly places accident damage just walked off and back home again waste of my time

dobbie82 wrote:

Not been too bad, the whats your lowest price annoys me.

car at £1000, whats lowest price, I says well teh wheels cost £700 so not taking less than that. he says, how about £400??? etc etc

Standard response to anyone who asks me that is "whats the most you'll pay ?" followed up by telling them that the car is worth every penny of the asking price so thats the lowest price. Gets rid of most timewasters.

fuzzy wrote:not forgetting the old "What an amazing car! i cant believe it hasnt sold yet! if i had the cash id be up there like a shot to take it"
but you dont have the cash so fook off and stop wasting my time.

You're missing out on "oh, it's 36 miles away from me, if it was 35 I'd be there in a jiffy!"

gooner1 wrote:OT I know but, Tim have you fitted that LSD yet?

its getting fitted next week mate!! along with the engine+injector loom and other bits, it turns out that i have the prop centure bearing knocking, so thats got to be done too! but still ......if anyone has a ms cam they would like to swap for my car + all my schnitzer goodies... give me a holla! ! ! ( yes i mean you delmonte )

when i bought my 316 from ebay i knew about the cosmetic issues with the car, but however the car was advertised as having long MOT when i turned up to buy it it was as discribed cosmeticly so i asked about the "long MOT" the response i got was "ah i cant find the certificate at the moment but if you leave me your adress ill post it to you when i do" need less to say i sold the car a week ago and im still waiting for that certificate a check of VOSAs website revealed that the MOT ran out the november before i bought it so it ran out 5 months BEFORE i bought it. need less to say i wont be buying a car off ebay again in a hurry. got a noce honest 318 touring now from a really genuine entusiast so im happy now. Rant over

Aye, money talks, Bullshit walks. As soon as they say 'what's your best price' over the phone, the game is lost. Also "I'll think about it" or "I'll get back to you".

I've got a clean H plate E34 which I'm driving to the scrapyard this week. I just can't deal with the mouth breathing idiots.

Andyboy wrote:Aye, money talks, Bullshit walks. As soon as they say 'what's your best price' over the phone, the game is lost. Also "I'll think about it" or "I'll get back to you".

I've got a clean H plate E34 which I'm driving to the scrapyard this week. I just can't deal with the mouth breathing idiots.

The 750 is on the bay , i have already had a procession of half aborted foetuses testing my patience, the first at 11.50 pm last night !

Would that happen to be this particular 750iL >here< Peter?